“I want to hold my head high and walk with purpose”

Deborah’s Story

Hi all this is me, well part of me somehow lost the other part along the way but I am certainly enjoying finding it again!!

Where do I start?!? Lets rewind to 7 weeks before the big 4 zero...… I had found a ridged area in my L breast. It had been there a while but just thought it was another cyst and didn't want to waste anyone's time but I did go to the GP who referred me on.

Sat on the couch I was told it was probably another cyst and that I couldn't have a mammogram as I wasn't 40. I laughed and said 'your joking its 6 weeks away' , no she wasn't joking!! They did however ultra sound me and I was told it was small and looked like a cyst.

Off I went busy planning a year of partying to celebrate my 40th. Forward 6 months later and this ridge hadn't shifted. If anything it hadn't changed at all. So off I went back to the hospital. This time I did have a mammogram and a ultra sound and instantly I knew something was wrong when they casually said they were just going to put a small metal marker in. That was that. I went back to my ward where I work as a Advanced Nurse Practitioner and broke down crying. My poor team didn't know where to put themselves. I don't even know where I got the strength to finish my shift but I did!!

Then came the dreaded day for results. I was sat in a small, lifeless clinic room with my amazing husband and sister. In waltzed a breast surgeon (not mine as she was away) and a nurse with that 'I'm sorry face' they give just before breaking bad news. I knew that face as I had done it many times before. The look, the head tilt, the whole stance. I knew what was coming. The exact way I was told was awful and I hope no woman has to go through this again. 'Its a small tumour, your probably only going to need a lumpectomy and you probably wont even need any chemo'. I tried to ask about my other breast as it had the same kind of ridge and I was told lets just deal with one problem at a time. Off she went! Even the nurse looked uncomfortable. I didn't want it sugar coating but it was almost as though it was all a fuss about nothing. Then I had to try and get myself together as they needed the clinic room and I had to walk through a packed waiting room. I hadn't got a clue what to do with myself. Trying to hold my tears back as I walked through the hospital where I worked to get to the car park as fast as I could. Ohhhh what I would have given for a place like Maggie's to go to.

My next appointment was with my lovely consultant and breast nurse in a dedicated cancer unit. I was told that I had Triple Negative Breast cancer which luckily hadn't spread to my lymph glands but was fast growing and I had calcified areas on the mammogram which were the start of more cancer cells developing. No other option but to take the breast away and have chemo as this was the only treatment for Triple Negative cancer. Operation booked in with the decision made to have a expander put in ready at some point for an implant.

Chemo was delightful……. said no-one ever!! But I was lucky enough to have it done at my hospital with nurses who I knew from their training. After my first one I had a low cell count and this continued throughout meaning the cycles went on forever and one had to be stopped all together. I did still however manage to go to a festival with my 0.2 neutrophils much to my oncologists disgust.

I replaced my hair with a wig, eyebrows with tattoos, put my makeup on everyday and got my fake smile ready for the world to see. The thing is not many knew what I was going through so I had to keep up this act. Somehow I found the words 'I've got cancer' almost embarrassing. Not even sure why, still don't know why but I just couldn't tell the world. So I let people think I had a new hair doo.

During chemo I had the BRACA testing which of course came back positive, so off with the other boob and out came the ovaries and womb.

Great I thought, all done and dusted but ohhhhh no. I had convinced myself I had a lump on my clavicle bone. The Dr said I hadn't but I pushed for a scan. No lump on the clavicle but they did comment on a growth on my thyroid that had been there since I had a scan at the start of treatment. Ermmm hello there did no one think to look at this 10 months ago???

Again I was told it was probably nothing but guess what it blimming was! A totally separate thyroid tumour. Again the news was broke to me in a clinic room by a jolly consultant who told me it was the best kind of cancer to have. Best kind of cancer to have?? Had I missed that memo?

Two operations later and a stint in Christies for treatment I was tumour free and then our family took another blow. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer after testing positive for the BRACA gene. I will still trying to get over 2 years of operations and treatments but had to put my big girl pants on and get ready to support my mum. When would this rollercoaster of a journey ever end?

I realised that it wouldn't. The constant worry that the big C is going to come back, the reflection in the mirror does not look like me and my battered body doesn't feel like me. One thing that has remained the same though is my zest for life. Throughout these shocking 2 years I have lived, loved and laughed a lot and I will continue to do so.

I am taking part in Maggie's runway because I want to hold my head high and walk with purpose, the purpose being to raise awareness Maggie's are there to support you no matter what. I so wish that I had known about Maggie's when I was diagnosed because since going there as part of the fashion show I have felt nothing but welcomed and supported. As soon as I enter the doors I just feel relaxed, calm and able to be me.

So thankyou for choosing me to take part and I can't wait to walk out with all you other amazing ladies!!